Using Children Post-Separation

Perpetrators use children to further their power and control and to cause the other parent distress.

Using children after separation is one of the most painful and destructive forms of post-separation abuse. These behaviors are rooted in control, manipulation, and revenge, not love for the children. The abuser’s goal is to punish the survivor, maintain dominance, and damage her bond with the children.

Tactics Abusers Use to Weaponize Children Post-Separation

1. Parental Manipulation

Making false or exaggerated claims about the survivor to turn the children against her.
Telling children the survivor is to blame for the separation or family breakdown.
Painting himself as the “fun” or “safe” parent while labeling her as strict or unloving.
Rewarding children for rejecting or disrespecting their mother.

2. Emotional Triangulation

Using children as messengers or go-betweens to avoid direct contact with the survivor.
Sharing adult conflicts or legal matters with the children to make them take sides.
Encouraging children to “spy” or report back on the survivor’s activities.

3. Undermining Parenting and Authority

Refusing to enforce household rules or boundaries set by the survivor.
Mocking or criticizing her parenting decisions in front of the children.
Allowing behaviors she disapproves of to make her seem unreasonable.
Encouraging the children to lie, hide, or withhold information from her.

4. Emotional Manipulation and Guilt

Telling children, “Your mom doesn’t love me anymore,” or “She broke our family.”
Making them feel responsible for his emotions, loneliness, or anger.
Using affection or gifts as a reward for loyalty and withdrawal of affection as punishment.

5. Controlling Access and Communication

Withholding visitation or refusing to return children on time.
Limiting or monitoring calls, texts, or video chats between the children and survivor.
Scheduling activities or trips during the survivor’s parenting time to cause conflict.
Moving far away to make consistent contact difficult.

6. False Allegations Involving Children

Accusing the survivor of child abuse, neglect, or parental alienation to gain custody.
Coaching children to make false statements in court or to child protective services.
Fabricating “concerns” about the survivor’s home or relationships.

7. Using Court and Custody as Weapons

Filing repeated custody modifications to exhaust and financially drain the survivor.
Refusing to co-parent or using every exchange as an opportunity for confrontation.
Exploiting the legal system to gain control over parenting decisions (schooling, medical, etc.).

8. Inconsistent or Harmful Parenting

Exposing children to inappropriate content, conflict, or unsafe people.
Neglecting their basic needs while pretending to be the “better” parent.
Using the children to fulfill emotional needs (e.g., treating them like a partner or therapist).
Abusing children physically, sexually, emotionally.

9. Psychological Conditioning

Teaching children to distrust or fear the survivor.
Twisting past events to rewrite history (“Your mom used to hit me,” “She tried to take you away”).
Using spiritual or moral language (“God wants families to stay together; your mom is wrong”).

10. Undermining the Healing Process

Discouraging therapy or counseling that might expose the abuse.
Coaching children to reject trauma-informed professionals or faith-based guidance.
Blaming the survivor for the children’s distress instead of taking accountability.

11. Love Bombing and Material Manipulation

Buying extravagant gifts or promising rewards to gain favor.
Undermining the survivor’s financial limitations by comparison (“Your mom can’t afford this because she doesn’t care enough”).
Creating competition for affection and loyalty through money or entertainment.

12. Emotional Abandonment and Rejection

Withdrawing from children emotionally if they express love for their mother.
Ignoring or rejecting the children when they set boundaries or challenge lies.
Using silence or coldness to punish them for showing connection with the survivor.

The Goal of Weaponizing Children

The abuser’s intent is to:

Punish the survivor by damaging her most sacred relationship.
Maintain control through emotional and psychological manipulation.
Rewrite the narrative to appear as the victim and hero simultaneously.
Destabilize the children, ensuring ongoing chaos and confusion.