Harassment and Intimidation Post-Separation
Harassment and intimidation post-separation are common tactics abusers use to maintain control and instill fear after the survivor has left the relationship. Even though physical separation has occurred, the abuser’s goal remains the same, to dominate, punish, or break down the survivor’s sense of safety and independence.
Here’s how these tactics typically appear and impact survivors:
1. Harassment: Ongoing Intrusions and Unwanted Contact
Abusers often continue to insert themselves into the survivor’s life through persistent, unwanted communication or actions designed to cause distress.
Examples include:
- Repeatedly calling, texting, or emailing—even under the pretense of “checking on the kids” or “wanting closure.”
- Showing up uninvited at the survivor’s home, workplace, church, or children’s school.
- Using mutual acquaintances, social media, or fake accounts to monitor or send messages.
- Filing unnecessary or repetitive court motions to force ongoing contact (“paper abuse”).
- Making veiled threats or using coded language to trigger fear (“You’ll regret doing this,” “I always know where you are”).
The harassment keeps the survivor emotionally entangled and unable to fully heal, often causing hypervigilance, sleep disturbances, and anxiety about being watched or followed.
2. Intimidation: Creating Fear to Reassert Power
Intimidation is about making the survivor feel unsafe, even when no direct threat is made. The abuser seeks to remind the survivor of their power and control.
Examples include:
- Driving by the survivor’s home or workplace.
- Leaving notes, gifts, or symbolic items meant to unsettle them.
- Making threatening gestures or maintaining a menacing physical presence during child exchanges or court hearings.
- Using body language, tone, or eye contact reminiscent of earlier abuse.
- Publicly humiliating or shaming the survivor to damage their reputation or credibility.
These behaviors create a climate of fear, forcing survivors to constantly assess danger and alter routines to stay safe.
3. Legal and Systemic Harassment
Abusers may weaponize legal systems to prolong intimidation.
Examples include:
- Filing false reports or accusations to authorities or child protective services.
- Misusing restraining order hearings or custody disputes to maintain contact.
- Threatening to take the children or withhold financial support unless the survivor complies.
This is sometimes called “legal abuse”, and it can drain survivors emotionally, spiritually, and financially.
4. Emotional and Spiritual Consequences
Harassment and intimidation keep survivors in a state of fear, making it difficult to rebuild stability and peace. Over time, this can cause:
- Chronic stress and anxiety
- Isolation from friends and community for fear of being found
- Spiritual exhaustion, especially if the abuser manipulates faith to justify their actions (“You’re supposed to forgive me,” “God hates divorce”)
5. Healing and Protection
Freedom from harassment and intimidation involves reclaiming safety and agency. Survivors can:
- Document all incidents of contact or threats for legal protection.
- Seek trauma-informed legal and counseling support.
- Establish strong boundaries—no direct contact except through court-ordered channels or third parties.
- Lean on community and faith, remembering that God’s desire is peace, not fear or oppression.
“God is our refuge and strength, an ever-present help in trouble.” – Psalm 46:1