Psychological Abuse Post-Separation
“Post-separation abuse can be defined as the ongoing, willful pattern of intimidation of a former intimate partner that includes legal abuse, economic abuse, threats and endangerment to children, isolation and discrediting and harassment and stalking.”2
Psychological Abuse Post-Separation
Psychological abuse post-separation occurs when an abuser continues to manipulate, intimidate, or psychologically harm a survivor after the relationship has ended. It is one of the most insidious and ongoing forms of post-separation abuse.
Though physical separation has taken place, the abuser still seeks control, power, and emotional dominance. Designed to undermine the survivor’s mental health, sense of safety, and autonomy, and to keep her emotionally tied to the abuser even after physical separation. This form of abuse can be just as damaging, sometimes even more so, because it often happens in subtler, harder-to-prove ways.
Psychological Abuse Tactics
1. Ongoing Manipulation and Control
The abuser may use guilt, shame, or emotional blackmail to keep the survivor tied to them.
Examples:
- Sending messages that blame the survivor for the breakup or the abuser’s hardships.
- Using emotional appeals like “You’re breaking up our family” or “You’ll never find anyone who loves you like I do.”
- Pretending to be remorseful or “changed” to draw the survivor back in.
- Sending messages on anniversaries, birthdays, or holidays to reopen wounds.
- Giving gifts “for the children” or using faith-based messages (“God told me we belong together”).
- Acting cooperative or kind in public to make the survivor question her own perceptions.
2. Character Assassination
Abusers often attack the survivor’s reputation or credibility to isolate them or regain control.
Examples:
- Spreading lies to friends, family, or the community.
- Portraying the survivor as “crazy,” “unstable,” or “vindictive.”
- Using social media to post indirect or public attacks.
- Recruiting others (sometimes called flying monkeys) to reinforce these false narratives.
- Threatening to expose private information or past mistakes to force compliance.
- Claiming she’s unforgiving, un-Christian, or bitter for leaving.
- Spreading gossip to isolate her from potential sources of support.
3. Using the Children as Emotional Weapons
The abuser may manipulate the children or use parenting interactions to cause emotional pain.
Examples:
- Turning the children against the survivor.
- Withholding or sabotaging communication about the children.
- Making the survivor feel guilty for leaving “the family unit.”
- Sharing inappropriate or false information with the children to cause confusion or guilt.
- Pressuring the children to report on the survivor’s activities or emotional state.
4. Gaslighting
Gaslighting keeps the survivor questioning their memory, perception, and reality.
Examples:
- Denying past abuse or rewriting history to make the survivor doubt her memories.
- Twisting facts to make the survivor feel confused or at fault.
- Minimizing or mocking the survivor’s emotional responses.
- Acting as though he’s the real victim to confuse mutual connections or professionals.
5. Harassment, Intimidation and Intrusions
Harassment and intimidation keep survivors in a state of fear, making it difficult to rebuild stability and peace.
Examples:
- Repeatedly texting, calling, or showing up “coincidentally.”
- Monitoring social media or mutual contacts.
- Sending triggering reminders of the past (“I still have your things,” “Remember when we were happy?”).
- Making threats about taking the children, harming pets, or ruining the survivor’s reputation.
- Suggesting harm to self to instill guilt and control.
- Implying that the survivor will never be believed or supported by others.
- Involving others (family, lawyers, clergy) to pressure her into responding.
- Leaving notes, gifts, or reminders of the relationship to trigger fear or nostalgia.
6. Stalking and Surveillance
- Monitoring the survivor through social media, GPS, or mutual acquaintances.
- “Coincidentally” showing up at places she frequents (church, work, child’s school).
- Using technology (phones, smart devices, email) to spy, hack, or track movements.
7. Feigning Victimhood
- Presenting himself as the one who was wronged to gain sympathy.
- Crying or appealing to church leaders, counselors, or family to discredit her story.
- Using charm and manipulation to appear calm and rational while she appears emotional.
8. Projection and Blame-Shifting
- Accusing the survivor of the very behaviors he committed (lying, manipulating, abusing).
- Claiming she’s trying to “turn the kids against him” or “ruin his life.”
- Blaming her healing or boundary-setting as evidence of cruelty or unforgiveness.
9. Religious or Spiritual Manipulation
For faith-based survivors, abusers may twist scripture or faith teachings to shame or control.
Examples:
- Claiming divorce is “against God’s will.”
- Using forgiveness or submission teachings to pressure reconciliation.
- Positioning themselves as spiritually superior.
The Goal of Psychological Abuse Post-Separation
The abuser’s ultimate aim is to maintain dominance by:
- Keeping the survivor emotionally reactive and off balance.
- Undermining her credibility and self-worth.
- Making healing and independence feel impossible.
The Impact on Survivors
Post-separation abuse can lead to
- Hypervigilance
- Difficulty trusting others
- Emotional exhaustion or spiritual confusion
- Feelings of guilt, shame, or helplessness
- Chronic stress and anxiety
- Isolation from friends and community for fear of being found
Healing Perspective
Healing involves recognizing that abuse after leaving is still abuse. Setting firm boundaries, documenting all communication, seeking faith-based counseling, coaching, and surrounding yourself with supportive community are vital. Remember, freedom isn’t just physical; it’s emotional, mental, and spiritual.